Senior Jeopardy!
"Hope springs eternal in the human breast..." A. Pope
Apologies for the brief hiatus here, you know how it goes. But I’m gonna make it up to you right now with a corker of a story from Jeanne S. Like a quiz show itself this story is addictive, entertaining, fun and it’s something that if you just glance at it for a second to pass the time before you know it you’ll find that you’ve inhaled the entire thing in one sitting (or at least that’s how it goes if you’re me, I’m pretty partial to a bit of TV trivia).
But unlike a quiz show this one stay with you after the end music rolls. It’s a very very good story, which is exactly what I asked everyone to produce for next weeks Fiction Symposium. So congratulations Jeanne S, you are our winner!
Enjoy.
TJB.
🎶 Doo doo doo, doodoo doo doo doo. Doo doo, doo doo - doot! da doodoo doodoo….🎶 That song’s been running through my head for the last sixty of seventy years1. An earworm, it follows me around crawling, wriggling, boring into my mundane existence. Did you know it lasts exactly thirty seconds? It’s perfect to hum when gargling or washing your hands. You can even cook a decent soft-boiled egg by singing it six times over. It’s good for any task that needs timed when a watch isn’t handy. Providing, of course, you are synced to the rhythm. Lord knows, after 60 years of daily replays, I am synced. But the optimal use of the song, the one it was written for, is to tick off the thirty seconds you have to answer, in the form of a question, Final Jeopardy!.
I was home sick one day in fifth grade when I first saw the show. It came on right after Concentration and before General Hospital. I was hooked for life. Art Fleming with his commanding, yet warm voice mesmerized me. The most masterful master of ceremonies, Alex Trebeck, created a legend, and now Ken Jennings is skillfully filling his shoes albeit without the stache. It’s a show for a lifetime, no doubt. I knew way back then just as I know now, that one day, I would be on Jeopardy. I made it my mission.
Now, I’m not particularly ambitious, I enjoy my free time. I certainly have never been called studious or even bright, but I knew and know that I have what it takes to succeed on Jeopardy! I remember facts that aren’t particularly important and I can recall them in an instant; cat-like reflexes. It’s widely accepted in my circle that I am always the quickest to interrupt any meaningful conversation with a tidbit of no importance.
It’s a talent.
All my life I’ve thought about becoming a contestant on Jeopardy!. I always beat my sisters when we watched. At that time, you had to go in person to a tryout and I was 12. I didn’t think I could bike the 80 or so miles to Cincinnati for the auditions when they came to Ohio. It would have to wait until I had a car. In college one day I saw a poster for College Jeopardy! tryouts. You had to take a test. It was being given in the student center the following Saturday morning. A tad overserved the night before, I overslept. No problem they’ll be back next year. Time passed, the show didn’t come back or I didn’t notice. I got married, had kids, they watched Jeopardy! with me. I could beat them. Heck I could even beat my Aunt Joan, and everyone knew she was the best in the entire family. I didn’t exactly give up my ambition but let’s just say I wasn’t watching the clock.
Seventy years old. That clock must have been spinning like a whirligig while I wasn’t watching. Lacking ambition, I make do with persistence. Three months ago, I noticed a banner scrolling across the bottom of my TV screen during the “tell us a little bit about yourself” part of the show that nobody ever watches with close attention. It said: Are you a lifetime Jeopardy! fan? Visit Jeopardy.com for a special offer. Click on the word Senior in the upper right had corner for details.
So, I did.
And now, after a series of online tests and an interview with Phil, (Thanks Phil, you’re a doll. I hope you enjoy the new car.) I’ve made it! I’m on the show.
“This is Jeopardy!” Johnny Gilbert begins (talk about senior citizen! God bless him). “Here are tonight’s contestants! A retired engineer from Boring, Oregon now living in The Villages in sunny Florida, Robert “Bob” Roberts. Next, a retired quantum physics professor from the eternally quaint village of Tübingen Germany, Dr. Noah Futzbucker. And finally, Betsy McCall, a retired retiree. hailing from Pitchin, Ohio” (My heartrate is through the roof.) He continues. “And now here is our host for Jeopardy! Ken Jennings!”
Oh, my goodness, heavens to Betsy, it’s happening and I can barely breath. Ken walks out and waves to the cameras then gestures toward the three of us as he announces, “Thank you Johnny Gilbert. Hello everybody! Thank you for joining us here on Jeopardy!. Tonight, we welcome these three very special contestants to our first Senior Jeopardy!. In this episode, we honor our lifelong Jeopardy! fans, our beloved Seniors. All of our contestants are over 65 years young. We’ve created some special subjects especially for tonight’s very very special special. I hope you enjoy them. Ready for the Jeopardy! round contestants? Here are the categories…
Like, Like, As - we’ll give you the clue, you give us the simile.
The Bible
60’s TV shows
US Capitals
Old Slang Syne - that’ll be out of date slang
and finally, everyone’s favorite Jeopardy! category,
Potpourri “
“Bob, you’ve been chosen to start us off, please select.”
“OK, Ken I’ll take US Capitals for $400.”
“This capital city…” -buzz, buzz, buzz “I’m sorry Bob, you have to wait until I read the entire question.” Bob seems anxious, shaky even. He looks slightly terrified. Again, Ken begins, “This capital…” buzz, buzz, buzz. “I’m sorry Bob, I know you’re nervous. Tell, you what, let’s just try one more time.”
It might surprise you but the filming of Jeopardy!, at least Jeopardy! Senior isn’t done in one take. For our show it took nearly three hours to get the twenty or so minutes of seamless competition. Ken works hard.
After three more tries, Bob still hasn’t managed the buzzer timing. Normally calm Ken seems slightly exasperated. Bob’s buzzer hand was almost out of control; poor Bob is mortified. Bob holds the buzzer up for Ken’s inspection. In his grasp the buzzer looks more like a cocktail shaker preparing a martini for James Bond.
“How’s this? Any better?”
It wasn’t. Ken looked frustrated. “Why don’t you try holding it in your other hand or with both to steady it.”, he suggested.
“Oh, right! I forgot, that’s my bad hand. I have essential tremor. Forgot about that. The doctor said I don’t have Parkinson’s. Sure was glad to hear that! I know a guy with Parkinson’s, he’s like a stone. His wife has to take care of everything for him. He takes all kinds of medicine, and he can barely swallow. Poor bastard. I only take three of four different pills a day. I’m lucky. I just take one for my blood pressure, one to thin my blood, and another one to calm this tremor. I must have forgotten it today in all the excitement. Most guys I know have the sugar by now and boy am I glad, I don’t have to mess with that. Every once in a while, when I’m headed to a night out over at The Villages town square, I take one of those blue pills, but other than that I am as healthy as they come. Why one of my friends has to… “
“Yes, let’s try the other hand.” Ken moves back to the podium to resume shooting
“I take blood pressure too.” I say this in a quick stage whisper to Bob during the interval. Bob smiles back with appreciation2.
“This US Capital city is located within 500 miles of nearly half the population of the United States”
Buzz.
“Bob?”
“What is Kansas City?”
“No, I’m sorry.”
I’m pushing down hard repeatedly on my buzzer; nothing is happening as the time is ticking. Finally, Buzz.
“Columbus!” I answer confidently.
“I need more.” Ken adds.
“Columbus, Ohio.” (I got this!)
“No, I’m sorry.”
Buzz.
Noah’s turn.
“Noah?”
“What is Columbus Ohio?”
“Yes! that’s right. Remember contestants (meaning me) we need the answers to be in the form of a question and please be sure to wait to until I call on you to answer (also meaning me).”
Noah glances my way, tilting his head down slightly, looking over the top of his glasses, his eyes say, ‘You’re an idiot’. I shoot back with my time-tested stink eye the one that says, ‘You’re a dick’, and his superior attitude shrivels.
“Noah please select.”
“Like, Like, As for $600 please Alex.”
‘‘It’s Ken.”
Ahah! that smug professor isn’t’ so sharp after all.
“This is a down-to-earth way to describe a Senior Citizen.”
Buzz.
“Yes, Noah?”
“What is as old as the hills?”
“I’m sorry that’s incorrect.”
Buzz.
“Bob?”
“What is as old as the milk in my fridge?”
“Not quite what we’re looking for.”
Buzz.
“Betsy?”
(See, I remembered to wait.)
“As old as dirt.”
“Sorry Betsy it’s What is as old as dirt?”
Damn it.
We are all three in the hole. Noah is leading with $-200. Isn’t that a weird concept? The fact that negative numbers are larger the smaller they get or is it that they are smaller the larger they get? You’d think that $-1000 would be way larger than $-200 but it’s much less. Bob and I were sucking hind tit.
Noah continued dominating. he correctly answered three more questions before the interview break and his score was now in positive territory. Bob and I remained at $-1000; we hadn’t been quick enough on the buzzer We were kind of slow reacting, we might have interrupted to ask a question or two or share and anecdote, so the first break came much sooner than we expected and now it was time to for the contestant interviews.
“Bob, it says here that you wear that hat to show you are an engineer, you build things, and that you chose engineering because you wanted to get a girlfriend. That doesn’t really match with current stereotypes, could you explain?
“Yes Ken. When I was younger, I wasn’t as good looking as I am now. I couldn’t even talk to girls without stuttering. I was scared to death of them. Then I noticed that the girls were interested in fast cars and expensive jewelry. I choose engineering because I could make enough money to buy those things, you know, to get their attention.”
“You still wear the hat does it work?”
“Well, I was married and had two lovely children.”
“So, you were right. It did work.”
“No, she left with the kids and took half, but I’m bald now so I wear it to keep the chrome dome covered”
“Not good Bob.”
“Betsy, it says here that your first ambition was to be a Playboy Bunny, but you failed. Could you elaborate?”
“Yes, Ken I could.”
-a long silent pause-
“And will you elaborate?”
“Oh, Oh, sure. When I was a little girl, I saw a Playboy magazine in my uncle’s bathroom. I thought the women in it were beautiful, so I wanted to pose for Playboy magazine, not exactly be a Bunny.”
“And?”
“I just never got big bonkers.”
“Er OK let’s move on.”
“Dr Noah Futzbucker, we should note that you won the 1986 Nobel prize in physics for your revolutionary work, Supersymmetric Twistor Cohomology of Quasi-Crystaline Aperiodic Tilings in Rieman-Cartan Spacetime with Torsion, I hope I said that right, congratulations, very impressive. Tell us a little bit about that.”
“No, you didn’t but it’s a fascinating field. A connected one-dimensional complex manifold is magical and may help prove quantum gravity. It’s theoretical, but it’s a start. Allow me to elaborate Alex, you see…
“It’s Ken.” Slightly irritated Ken changes the subject. “This also says you enjoy reading medieval minstrel poetry, do you have any favorites?”
“Yes, but I warn you It can be quite bawdy. ‘In a slommuryng of slepe, for-slokand with ale’ Can you imagine?” He giggles barely able to continue, “‘for-slokand of course can mean either quenched or drenched!3’ But of course you knew that, Alex”
“Alex may have, but I did not.” Ken seethes as he turns to the barely used board. “Let’s finish up the Jeopardy! round. Noah, I believe it’s still your turn.”
“Let’s try Old Slang Syne for $1000.”
“This three-word term was often used to compliment a well-dressed man in the late 60’s.”
Buzz
“Betsy?”
(Ha! Too slow Noah) “What is groovy threads, brother?”
Ken pauses, “Ok the judges say we can take that. That or ‘groovy threads, man’.”
“Whew! I am out of the hole. I have zero. Zero is nothing but yet this particular nothing is greater than a negative number so that is something…”
Ken interrupts, “Pardon me Betsy I don’t quite follow. Which question do you want?”
I must have been saying what I’m thinking out loud again. That happens a lot to me. It confuses my husband, but he’s mainly learned to ignore anything that comes out of my mouth. He says that’s his secret to a happy marriage. I don’t think of it as particularly happy, all he does is watch old TV shows all day, but I did promise. I hope I didn’t say this out loud too.
“I’ll take 60’s TV for $1000 please.”
“Oh, I’m sorry Betsy, it seems we’ve run out of time for the Jeopardy! round. Double Jeopardy! is coming up next after these messages.”
He sounds upbeat and cheerful, though his eyes are as dull as ditchwater. It’s taken more than twice the average time to get to this point. (I’ve made cuts to my telling as well.) We’ve been dawdling and talking out of turn and rambling on between questions. Certainly, he could have waited for one more question to give me a chance, the young whippersnapper, but it seems the fix is in, and Bob will get to start the Double Jeopardy! round.
“Welcome back. Our contestants are excited to start Double Jeopardy! They didn’t do so well in the first round but it’s a whole new board and hopefully that will all change with these categories. We have:
Potent Potables
Russian Authors
Quantum Physics
Household Appliances
OK Boomer this will be things your generation does or says
and finally
Actors.”
“Bob, you have the lowest score unfortunately. That’s not all bad, you get to select. Good Luck”
Actors for $1200 please.
“The J-Turn is named after this actor who often did his own stunts.”
Buzz.
“Bob?”
“Who is, you know, that guy from Maverick, you know…?”
“Sorry Bob”
Buzz
“Betsy”
“Who is, that other guy, the one from The Rockford Files, umm starts with… now let me see, uh, Jim…umm…?”
“Sorry out of time.”
Buzz
“Noah?”
“Who is Bret Garner?”
“Oh, so close. Who is James Garner? Bob you still have the pick.”
“I knew James Garner; I was almost there.” Bob responds defensively, “Sometimes it takes me a while. He is one of my all-time favorites. So funny in Support Your Local Sheriff, always saying he was just passing through on his way to Australia. Do you know that movie? It had that guy from Mash you know, Radar’s boss Henry…”
“Morgan,” I prompt in another stage whisper.
“Yeah, Henry Morgan and that lady who died early played Miss Prudy. She was always getting muddy or in fights. That was a real fun movie. They don’t make them like they used to anymore. Most everything they make is all faked up with AI or CGI and all those I’s…”
Ken waits for an opening. Bob has to breathe sooner or later, I suppose.
He does and Ken’s on it.
“Your selection Bob?”
“Oh sure. How about OK Boomer for $200.”
“This oft used Boomer term is an example of Rosy Retrospection.”
Buzz.
“Bob?”
“What is what are the good old days?”
“Nope.”
Buzz.
“Noah?”
“What is they don’t make them like they used to anymore?”
“Correct, please choose.”
“Quantum Physics for $1200 please.”
🚨Doo doo ta doo, doo doo🚨 there’s an ear-piercing electronic noise. How irritating, but it means that Noah has chosen a Daily Double.
“Congratulations, Noah now this is right up your alley. You have $2200 how much would you like to wager?”
“I live on a boulevard; there is no alley. Alex, I’d like to make it a true daily double.”
Ken gives up. “Ok, here we go.”
“In the theory of wave-particle duality, electrons and protons behave sometimes like particles and sometimes like these.”
“Really sir, this is basic stuff. What is waves?
“Correct, you have doubled your score to $4400 and you’ve taken a commanding lead over Betsy with zero and Bob at $-2400. Choose again.
“Naturally, I’ll continue with Quantum Physics for $2000.”
“As this fabled feline famously illustrated, Superposition is the idea of quantum systems being in multiple states at once.”
Buzz.
“Bob?”
“Who is Fritz the Cat? No, no, I mean Felix the Cat, who is Felix the Cat?”
“You got it in time, but that’s not right.”
Buzz.
“Betsy?”
“Who is Schrödinger’s cat?” Noah is surprised.
That’s correct! You have $2000 and the board
“I’ll take Household Appliances for $1600 please.”
“They invented the first practical dishwasher.”
Buzz.
“Betsy?”
“Who is Josephine Cochrane?”
“Excellent, choose again”.”
“Well, you know it had to be a woman and I have a granddaughter named Josephine, sometimes I call her Empress Josephine like Napoleon’s wife, but she was really named after Mrs. Cochrane because of her most valuable contribution. Thank you, Josephine! No one likes doing dishes. No One.”
“I’ll take Household appliances again for $800 please.”
“This legendary baseball player helped make Mr. Coffee a household name.”
Buzz.
“Bob?”
“Who was Babe Ruth?”
“No Bob”
“Doh! that was the candy bar.”
Buzz.
“Betsy?”
“Who was Joltin’ Joe Dimaggio?”
“Joe, Dimaggio it is. You still have control.”
And so it went. I of course, chose Household Appliances. In fact, I ran the category, another $6000 for me. That’s $8000. I’ll show that stuffy old fart professor, he only has $4400. Poor Bob hasn’t had one right yet, but he keeps trying and that trigger hand of his is fast. He stands at -$10400.
“Betsy?”
“Let’s try Russian Authors for $400 please.”
“This author once planted an orchard but wrote about it when he lived by the sea.”
“Bob?”
“Who is Anton Chekov?”
“That’s correct Bob. There are still plenty of clues left, please select.”
“I’ll take Potent Potatoes for $1200 Ken”
“That’s Potent Potables Bob.”
“Never mind then. Let’s keep going with Russian Authors for $2000.”
“His Deleted Scenes from the Bestselling Utopian Novel is considered one of the finest examples of modern surrealism.”
Buzz.
“Noah?”
“Who is Vanya Bagaev?”
“Well done!”
“I know him well, he is an acquaintance of my grandson, Felix. Felix is a remarkable lad., Some say he has odd ways but he’s…”
“Interesting.” Ken interjects trying to speed things up. “You are catching up. but we’re almost out of time.”
“Great, I’ll take Quantum…”
Buzz
“Noah, we don’t have time for that question, that buzzer means the clock has run out for Double Jeopardy! It’s time for Final Jeopardy! Bob, I’m sorry but as you know, you will not be able to participate in Final Jeopardy! because you have a negative score. It’s not all bad news Bob; my producers have just told me that you have set an all-time record for lowest Jeopardy! score in our history. $-10000, You’ve beat Patrick Pearce’s score of $-7400 easily. Well done, Bob, that was the worst of the worst.” See, I told you that the higher the negative, the lower the value.
“I had a great time Ken, wait till the ladies over at the Villages see me on TV. Hi ladies.” He waves to the camera with a big old opossum eating poop grin spread across his face. I can see how Bob is a hit with the ladies. “By the way girls, I drive a Corvette.” He adds this just in case.
“Tonight’s Final Jeopardy! category is:
Twentieth Century Technology”
“It’s anybody’s game. Betsy leads Noah by only $1600. Think about your wagers carefully contestants and we’ll be right back after this.”
During the commercial break, we are allowed to sit down or go to the bathroom. It’s longer than the commercials, there’s lots of fussing around with makeup and the assistants that are assigned to us make sure we aren’t going to pass out under the hot lights, things like that. During this final break, I am thinking. I’ve already decided I have to bet with the expectation that Noah will answer correctly. That’s not what I am thinking. I’m on the show, my favorite show, my only real ambition in life. (I made up the Playboy story to help me get chosen for the show.) Do I truly care if I win? The experience was my goal. Don’t get me wrong, I am elated. It’s just that I have often wished I had ambition, that it mattered to me how I ranked among others, but I don’t have it, and I never had it except for this little piccadilly of mine. Noah, he’s at the top of his field. He cares about true learning. It matters to him. Bob is an idiot and as long as he gets some female attention, he’s a happy idiot. Me, I’m only curious. The things I know don’t change anyone’s life they are for amusement purposes only. Maybe what is truly important to me is the time I spend with my loved ones, not winning a game show…maybe… Nah, I want to win
I write down my bet and wait for the question.
“We’re back and here is our Final Jeopardy question.”
“This company originally named Back Rub, began as a university research project in 1996 to study the mathematical properties of the World Wide Web.”
The music plays, Noah and I have thirty seconds. I know the answer. I will win. As I’m writing my answer in the form of a question I glance over at Noah. He has already finished, and I can tell from his self-satisfied look that he knows the answer too. The kettle drum hits the final two beats. BUM BUM.
“Let’s start with Noah. Did you know which company this is? He’s written ‘What is Google?’ and that is correct! How much did you wager? $6400. He’s wagered all of it for a total of $12800. Betsy now needs the correct answer.”
“Betsy did you know it was Google? Show her answer please.”
“She’s written ‘What is the Google?’ That’s correct and did she wager enough? she did, she’s wagered $4601 for a total of $12801, Betsy, you’re our Jeopardy… Wait! What’s this? Our judges are telling me that Betsy is not correct, it is not ‘the Google’, it’s simply Google. That makes Noah our champion today. Sorry Betsy. thank you for joining us for our first Senior Jeopardy Tournament. Noah, how does it feel to win?
“Wunderbar Alex, just wonderful.”
Oh well.
🎶…doot da doot doot, doot. doot. doot. (dumb dumb!) 🎶
“…Man never is, but always to be blest. “A. Pope, An Essay on Man
This is my submission to the Soaring Twenties Social Club Annual Fiction Symposium. They are a great group, and I’m blessed to know them. Like vāneçka for instance who along with his brother, made the fake Jeopardy photo. And Felix Futzbucker who allowed me to use his grandfather as a fictionalized character and filled me in on a few details of his amazing academic life. Thank you, sirs! I salute you. 🫡
Talking about meds for the 65 plus crowd is the social equivalent of “Nice weather we’re having.”
A quote from this article: The Bawdy Bard
 | A guest post by
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Thanks for featuring this Thomas. I genuinely feel like I won something. I’ve read most of the other submissions to the upcoming STSC Fiction special and they are amazing.
This IS amazing, Jeanne. I really liked it. A subject I would've found boring, but as Thomas said, I started reading it and read it right through; couldn't stop. Very clever. You ARE the winner. Senior Jeopardy -- if I could do better than Bob -- me, at my age with my numerous google moments. I got two right, Vanya, of course, who else? and Google (without the "the").