In the hope of getting you over the midweek hump and providing some comfort, consolation and maybe a few laughs of recognition, I bring to you this latest piece from the ever-prolific
. It has all that we have come to know and love from Terry- great observational insight and wit and yes a little bit of that trademark Eclecticism.You can’t say fairer than that, can you?
Enjoy,
TJB.
One of the hidden benefits of working in a corporate sort of environment – as opposed to, say, your local corner shop – is that you very quickly get to see and understand what really goes on behind the scenes. You learn, in other words, to spot the bovine manure.
In this article I provide, for your edification and perhaps even amusement, four examples of this phenomenon.
Reports of progress may not be worth the paper they’re written on
Two days after I started work in a new job, my line manager’s line manager came into the office and asked me if I could analyse the latest computing results of the local high school students and write a progress report.
Me: I’ve looked at the grades, and you can’t compare like with like, because all the schools used a different way of measuring the results. So they’re basically a load of rubbish.
Line manager’s line manager: Well, if you could write a report on progress made, that would be great.
Me: There hasn’t been any progress, and the results aren’t worth the paper they’re written on.
LMLM [placing a hand on my shoulder]: Now, Terry, that could be construed as a career-limiting statement. I’m sure you could find evidence of progress if you looked hard enough.
Me: One school’s grades has risen by 0.5% over last year’s results. All the others have gone down.
LMLM: There you are! Significant progress has been made.
Me: Yes. Significantly bad.
LMLM: Now, now, Terry…
Internet safety
One year in England the Department for Education – or whatever it was called then – decreed that schools had to submit a policy document to their local authority about how they were tackling online safety issues. Only once they had sent in an acceptable policy would they be eligible for some extra funding that had been made available.
I was working in a government agency at the time, and every so often there would be a huge meeting of several government agencies involved in education technology. On one such occasion a young man from the Department for Education declared, thumping his fist on the table, We have to make sure that all schools submit a proper online safety policy. If they don’t, we need to withhold the funding.
His colleague replied: And who is going to check? There are 30,000 schools in the country, and only you and me in the office.
Rehousing
My mother was living on her own in a three-bedroomed flat, while we lived on the other side of London. She was on the local authority’s waiting list for rehousing in assisted living accommodation near us. We tried for two years to get things moving, including putting to the powers-that-be the very reasonable proposition that my mother was taking up a place that could be a home for a family of four – just as it had been for us. Remember that length of time: two years. We were getting nowhere.
One day I phoned the local authority, and the person I spoke to must have just had a row with his boss or been refused leave or something, because this is the conversation we had:
Me: Can you tell me what’s happening with my mother’s application please?
Local authority employee: It’s currently active.
Me: Er, what exactly does that mean?
LAE: It means that it’s been taken out of the filing cabinet and put on someone’s desk.
Me: What will happen next?
LAE: They’ll put it back in the filing cabinet.
Me: What do I have to do to try to get someone to not only put it on their desk, but to actually open it, and maybe even read it?
LAE: Make a nuisance of yourself. Phone up every day, several times a day if possible.
My mother, sister and Elaine and I set up a rota between us. My mother would phone up every morning. My sister phoned up every day in her lunch hour. Elaine and I called up every afternoon.
Two weeks. That’s how long it took for them to offer my mother a place in an assisted living complex a 15 minute drive from where we live.
A state of transition
One day I popped into where my friend Greg worked. He was looking a bit worn around the edges.
Me: How are things, squire?
Greg: Fed up. It’s impossible for me to get anything down around here. Someone upstairs has been going around giving talks on the wonderful things we’re doing, but we’re not actually doing them because we keep being interrupted by people who want to come and see what we’re doing!
Just then the phone rang.
Greg [on phone]: Yes? Oh yes, you would be very welcome to come and see what we’re doing. Only, we’re in a state of transition at the moment. Could you try again in a few months’ time? Lovely. Goodbye.
Me: State of transition?
Greg: Yes. From a disaster to a f***ing catastrophe.
I have to say, I think that pretty much sums up each of the examples I’ve recounted here!
I think you’d like the movie!
Terry,
Continuing my YouTube comments. This post brought me a smile and then a rewatch of this 50 second clip from Office Space, a great movie about institutional inefficiency.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fy3rjQGc6lA