The internet is a strange place. And I think it is only because we are right in the middle of Peak Internet (in my opinion) that we often struggle to put things in perspective. In 1960 chainsmoking pack after pack didn’t seem like an unusual thing to do and similarly spending every waking hour in 2024 mainlining a never ending stream of random Content is seen as being a fairly standard way of going through life.
Perhaps in the future we will look back on this time of ads and spam and infotainment and shake our heads and laugh. But until that time we have to count on the likes of
to accurately (and hilariously) reflect back to us the absurdity of it all.This piece then, is- as far as I’m concerned- a piece of Real Journalism, a true and accurate reflection of what life is like for so many of us when we look at our ubiquitous devices. Knowing is the first step to change. The second is being able to laugh. There is plenty of both for you here today.
Enjoy.
TJB.
It’s 5 am. I reach for my phone right there on the bedside table. The tiny battery icon is solid green. I plugged it in last night so it’s 100% ready to go. There’s no such thing as a charger for a human (@Elon?) and I’d say I’m at about 40% after another fitful night. I grab my glasses and check my email. A quick scroll down the page to see if anyone I know has written me. Nope, nothing. Allegiant, Spirit, and Frontier Airlines don’t want me to miss the chance of buying that single $30 flight they have from Hartford CT to Rochester NY. A few Zillow and Redfin ads want to show me yet another 900 sq ft 2 bd 2ba cement box only 3 miles from the beach on a six lane thoroughfare next to a pawn shop and a tire store for a mere $750000. What’s this? This might be interesting, “How to heal my gut FAST! 11 foods I MUST know!” I thought I knew most of the foods by now, but these are the 11 I MUST know!
Is it a test?
Anyway you get the idea - there’s not much there I want to read. I move on to a news aggregator site. Have to keep up with all the latest news so that I can shake my head in disappointment and comment to the checkout girl at Walmart something along the lines of “It’s getting really bad.” or “The world’s going crazy. These prices are nuts!” It keeps me current, informed, educated even. Let’s see, what has that old rascal Donald Trump/Joe Biden done today? Hmm, OMG he paid a porn star to start an insurrection on January 6 and then lied about how much his house was worth so he could borrow money to give to foreign countries for wars so they could funnel it back to arms manufacturers who would then pay his son for advice? Something along those lines, I think… nothing of interest there.
Oh, now these next few blurbs are fantastic news. I’ve been waiting for innovations like these for quite some time.
Now these are things I want to know more about.
My 6:00 a.m. alarm goes off. I need to quit scrolling and get to the pool for my morning swim. I’ll just check my email one more time then skedaddle.
Wait! What’s this? I think I know her. Her name sure rings a bell. Ann, Ann Taylor1 I remember Ann, she was that girl in my high school health class. So popular and pretty; proper personality too. Everyone worshiped her. The boys wanted to cozy up, the girls only hoped to pick through her leavings. Now she’s writing me! Me? Me! After all this time, she’s writing me. The Ann Taylor has finally noticed me! Judging from the subject line, she wants to share some fashion advice! OMG OMG OMG, This is great. I start to open it, and then I think to myself, Don’t be needy. This could be the start of a new friendship, take it slow, don’t be anxious or try to impress her. Patience. I know you’re lonely, very lonely, but open it later. I’ll wait, I tell myself. First things first. It’s time to swim. That way, when I get home, I’ll have something to look forward to…
I live alone now since I killed my husband. It was surprisingly easy. Just a little sumpin sumpin in his Tim Horton’s medium triple triple, et voila, FREEDOM. I just knew all that sugar was bad for him. It was much easier than asking for a separation. I tried and tried but I just couldn’t work up the courage to tell him that he had been a total controlling asshole for the last 20 years. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
I’m nice.
Ann Taylor remembers that I’m nice. That’s why she’s writing me after all these years. I’m still waiting a bit to read her emails. I’m patient. I like thinking about what she might say. What if she only wants a favor? I so want to be her friend. Real friends. She’s popular, pretty, and surprisingly persistent. Yes, indeed, she certainly is persistent, I’ll give her that.
Ann Taylor is a ladies fashion store in the US.
So hilarious...thanks for the laugh.
Fantastic.